buffy9x08 Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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11 INT. CAVE. DAY. 11
A GNARLY DEMON (REMAN) is cooking some food. He's short and
stumpy, has a whole Yoda thing going on.
A SHADOW appears in the wall, before Reman is grabbed by
something off camera and THROWN against the wall, landing in
a heap.
He looks up as Gustav steps into frame, and Reman shuffles
away from the rough-looking demon, clearly terrified.
GUSTAV
Hello, Reman. Remember me?
REMAN
I-I don't... I don't know anything!
GUSTAV
I'm disappointed, I haven't even
asked a question yet and already
you're lying to me?
(sinister grin)
What, you think I'd hurt my old
friend Reman?
REMAN
Ask me what you want, but I'm
telling you, whatever it is, I
don't know.
GUSTAV
Alright... Where's Anyanka?
REMAN
(blinks)
Who?
Gustav SNARLS and lunges forward, clamping his hands round
Reman's throat. Reman whimpers and tries to get his words
out.
REMAN (cont'd)
Anya, Anya! Her name is... Anya!
Gustav lets him go and stands, towering over the diminutive
form of Reman.
GUSTAV
Say again?
REMAN
It's her human name, she's one of
them now! She became human, then
turned back for a while but she was
killed, fighting over the Hellmouth
in Sunnydale.
GUSTAV
Go on...
REMAN
But something brought her back,
only she was still a ghost, until
Jerekov got involved...
GUSTAV
(spits)
That time waster! I suppose he
tried to trick some poor sap out of
their soul again, right?
REMAN
(nods)
He made Anya human again, and
that's how she's stayed. I hear
she's getting married today, and-
Reman's eyes bulge and Gustav grabs him by the neck again,
lifting him up to eye level.
GUSTAV
She's what?
REMAN
Hey, word on the street, or
whatever - she's carrying some
human male's child, and they're
going to get married later today...
That's all I know, I swear!
Gustav drops him, and Reman heaves for breath as Gustav
strokes his scaly chin thoughtfully.
GUSTAV
That doesn't sound like the Anyanka
I know... She must be under some
kind of spell! Anyanka would never
allow herself to be beholden to any
being, mortal or otherwise!
REMAN
(quietly)
That's love for you...
GUSTAV
(snarls)
Love? You speak of love?
Gustav grins as he picks Reman up by the throat, and Reman
struggles in vain as he stares into the eyes of his attacker.
GUSTAV (cont'd)
(grins)
I think it's time I showed Anyanka
how her kind really love.
We pan over to the wall, and after a brief YELP, a speck of
green GOOP splashes onto the side of the cave wall. Its safe
to say that it is Reman's.
12 INT. HARRIS RESIDENCE - FRONT DOOR. MORNING. 12
The doorbell rings, and Anya throws the door open to see
Willow, who waves cheerily.
WILLOW
Hi, Anya, I-
Anya grabs Willow and throws her arms round her in a tearful
bear hug, and Willow's eyes bulge as the breath is squeezed
out of her.
ANYA
Oh, Willow! Everything's going so
well this time!
Anya lets her go, and shuts the door as Willow takes a few
deep breaths to recover. Willow looks Anya's expensive
looking white dress up and down as Anya sashays across the
carpet of the living room.
WILLOW
Look at you! All 'Princess Diaries'
and stuff.
ANYA
You think? I was going for 'Moulin
Rogue' but without any sluttiness.
(beat)
That reminds me, is Buffy showing
up?
WILLOW
Uh, not yet, she wanted to stay and
help Xander before she left him
with Giles.
ANYA
That's very wise. Giles is old, I'm
sure he knows a lot more about this
sort of thing than Xander does.
WILLOW
Oh, and the plan to keep your
friends and Xander's family far
apart? Working like a charm. I
think the church is open now so
they'll be making their way over,
hopefully it'll still be standing
when we get there.
Anya nods and smiles grabbing Willow again.
ANYA
I'm getting married!
WILLOW
(smiles)
You sure are!
ANYA
And one day, you'll be where I
am...
(thinks)
Or will you? I don't know, what are
the laws on gay marriage in this
state?
WILLOW
Uh, I don't-
Anya dismisses the thought and bearhugs Willow again.
ANYA
Never mind! This is my special day,
so everyone can forget about their
own sad lives and just be happy for
me... Right?
WILLOW
Uh... Sure!
Anya lets Willow go, wipes away a happy tear and shuffles
back towards the stairs. Willow takes another deep breath as
Anya departs.
WILLOW (cont'd)
C'mon, Willow, keep it focused...
Only a few more hours to go, then
it's all done and you get to
relax...
As Willow starts to follow Anya, we cut to:
13 INT. GILES' APARTMENT - DAY. 13
Giles exits his room, fully dressed and ready to go, passing
Max, who has the various books Giles left for him open all
around him, spread across the sofa.
MAX
Are you off?
GILES
Not just yet, I'm waiting for-
There is a KNOCK at the door.
GILES (cont'd)
Ah, good.
Giles opens the door to reveal Xander, who salutes.
XANDER
Captain Xander 'The Groom' Harris,
reporting for duty.
Giles smiles and ushers Xander inside. Xander notices Max and
throws a curious look at Giles.
XANDER (cont'd)
(quietly)
Why is he here? Shouldn't you have
clapped him in irons and shipped
him back to England by now?
GILES
(quietly)
That's not quite how we do things
any more, Xander, but... He's my
responsibility for now. I thought
it best to have him somewhere I can
keep an eye on him until his
hearing rolls around, and besides,
he could still help us with this
Caretaker business. Now, to the
matter at hand.
Giles takes a small box out of his tuxedo jacket pocket - the
ring! He opens it up and passes it to Xander.
GILES (cont'd)
I'm sure you've run through this a
thousand times already, so all I'll
ask is this. Are you ready?
XANDER
(nods)
I'm ready. Bring on the bride, the
groom is at Warp Nine and doesn't
look like he's going to stop!
Giles looks a little blank, and Xander pats him on the
shoulder.
XANDER (cont'd)
Pop culture.
GILES
Ah...
The duo head for the door, Giles pausing in the doorway to
speak to Max.
GILES (cont'd)
I've got my cell phone with me,
call me if there are any problems,
otherwise we'll be back later on.
Understood?
MAX
Understood. Let me know how it
goes.
With a last reproachful look, Giles closes the door and
leaves Max to his work. Max looks at the books and sighs.
14 INT. CATACOMB. DAY. 14
The Caretaker sits cross-legged in the middle of the chamber
we left him in, the book open next to him.
He's drawing an elaborate magic circle in the sand using his
long fingers.
15 INT. HARRIS RESIDENCE - BEDROOM. DAY. 15
Buffy stands before the tall mirror, her face wrinkled up as
she studies the lavender dress she has to wear. Willow comes
to stand next to her, words not needed to express the awful
sight facing the girls.
After a beat, Marie joins them - and now she's in one of the
dresses as well. There's a long moment before Buffy breaks
the silence.
BUFFY
Well... At least they're not green.
Anya enters the room behind them, and the girls turn round as
one to face her. Anya's hands go to her mouth, and she gasps
in delight at them.
ANYA
Oh my God! You three look so
perfect, I could just...
Anya suddenly pales, and the girls exchange looks.
ANYA (cont'd)
I'm sorry, I just... I just
remembered last time we were all
here, only it was with...
Anya turns and races out of the bedroom - and straight into
the bathroom. Buffy breaks the silence again.
BUFFY
Well, at least she didn't get any
down her dress.
MARIE
You try to see the bright side of
everything, don't you?
BUFFY
Today? It's about the only thing
getting me through the day.
The girls turn to the mirror, and share a collective sigh.
MARIE
I'm too bloody old to be a
bridesmaid!
WILLOW
Could be worse.
Buffy looks at Willow, and she tries to think of an answer,
but has to give up and just shrug.
WILLOW (cont'd)
I'm sure it could.
We cut from the girls to:
16 INT. CATACOMB. DAY. 16
The Caretaker has finished his magic circle, and steps back
to admire his work.
With one flick of his foot, he kicks the book closed, and
rubs his hands together - he's got some work to do.
BLACK OUT:
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
17 EXT. CHURCH. DAY. 17
A taxi pulls into frame, and Giles and Xander step out. Giles
pays the driver and joins Xander, who is looking up at the
tall spire of the church.
XANDER
Kind of Freudian, don't you think?
Ever wonder why churches have big
old steeples like that?
GILES
Can't say I'd given it much
thought!
The two head towards the church's main doors. Soft music can
be heard drifting out from inside the reception hall.
XANDER
I mean, don't get me wrong, they
have their uses - I can name a
dozen horror movies that would be
kind of stuck for a way to off the
bad guy without a trusty spire to
impale the bad guy on - and didn't
we kill the Master like that?
Giles stops and places a hand on each of Xander's shoulders.
GILES
Xander, your nerves are showing.
XANDER
Yeah, they do that a lot whenever I
get within twenty feet of any
member of my family.
GILES
There's no need to worry.
Everything's been taken care of.
Giles smiles, but this just makes Xander more nervous.
XANDER
Oh, God, you shot them all, didn't
you? Tell me you used
tranquilisers!
Giles doesn't answer, he just carries on into the church.
After a beat, an increasingly panicked Xander follows.
18 INT. CHURCH - RECEPTION HALL. DAY. 18
Head down, Xander walks inside, takes a deep breath and looks
up - and his jaw drops. All of his family are there - MR. &
MRS. HARRIS, UNCLE RORY, COUSIN CAROL, all milling amongst
and chatting happily to Anya's nearest and dearest - various
warty, tentacled and goodness knows what other varieties of
DEMONS. No arguments, no shouting, no trouble at all.
Xander is stunned. He reaches out to Giles, not taking his
eyes off the scene in case it'll disappear if he blinks.
XANDER
Tel me it wasn't a spell. Magic and
weddings? Not a good combination.
I'm sure there's a perfectly
rational reason for all of this,
and I'm sure you're about to tell-
GILES
The bar only serves non-alcoholic
drinks.
XANDER
(beat)
Yep, sounds good.
Xander straightens his bow tie, a new look of determination
in his eyes, before striding confidently forward into the
crowd.
Giles watches with pride as Xander mingles, before a familiar
face steps into frame, holding a wine glass - everyone's
favourite harjek demon, CLEM.
CLEM
Gotta say, Giles, kudos for this so
far.
GILES
Ah, hello, Clem, glad you could
make it!
They shake hands. Clem sips from the dark liquid in his glass
and peers at it as he swills the liquid round his mouth.
CLEM
Non alcoholic wine. Heh, I didn't
even know they made that!
GILES
How is it?
CLEM
Tastes just great to me, but I'm
not really a connouiseur of these
things!
GILES
I trust you've been keeping a
careful eye on things, as we
discussed?
CLEM
Absolutely. There hasn't been much
to watch out for, you know, Mr.
Harris complained at first when I
told him about the bar situation,
but once he actually had a glass in
his hand, it's like some kind of
reflex kicked in and he became nice
as pie! So, when are the girls
getting here?
GILES
(checks watch)
Any time soon. Today's gone to plan
so far, I just hope we can make it
as far as the reception without
anything going wrong.
CLEM
Are you kidding me? What could go
wrong?
Clem laughs and slaps Giles on the shoulder, before we cut
away to:
19 EXT. ALLEYWAY. DAY. 19
Gustav is dragging a dead body down the alley, and once he's
safely out of sight of any passing traffic, he starts patting
the body down.
The body is another demon, but this one dressed smartly in a
shirt, suit and tie, and as Gustav finds a small card in the
body's pocket, we see why he was dressed up - he has a
wedding invitation!
Gustav grins and tucks the invite away before addressing the
deceased demon.
GUSTAV
Thanks for the invitation, Ralkchek
- you never did like parties
anyway!
Gustav stands and walks off screen.
20 INT. HARRIS RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM. DAY. 20
Anya paces up and down inside the living room for a few beats
until there is the BEEP of a car horn outside.
Anya dashes to the window to see a black car waiting outside,
before she yells upstairs.
ANYA
The car's here! Come on, ladies,
jump to it, I want to get married
now!
Buffy, Willow and Marie trudge down the stairs, lining up by
the door as they grab their coats, with Anya checking each of
them over.
ANYA (cont'd)
Okay, let's see... Willow, your
hair's too red but it'll have to
do. Buffy... Oh, I'm so glad you
didn't dress up to try and show me
up! That means a lot to me.
BUFFY
Anya, I haven't-
ANYA
And Marie! Oh, look at you. Who'd
have thought that putting you in a
nice dress with some actual makeup
would suddenly make you look
pretty?
Anya beams at her, and Marie casts a sideways glance at
Buffy, who just shakes her head to say 'don't bother
replying.'
ANYA (cont'd)
Alright! Andrew's driving us to the
church, so let's go. A church! I'm
actually getting married in a
church, can you believe it? Me! An
ex-vengeance demon, able to set
foot on consecrated ground!
BUFFY
(sarcastic)
Yeah, how about that...
ANYA
Talk later. Come on!
Anya opens the door and points towards the car, and the
bridesmaids troop outside. Anya pauses in the doorway for a
moment to soak up the glory, before following them.
21 INT. CHURCH - RECEPTION HALL. DAY. 21
Xander stands with his parents, pointing to a demon recording
the proceeding on a camera.
XANDER
So you see, mom, Tajley over
there's gonna get the whole thing
on tape, so we can make some prints
from that afterwards and make sure
everybody gets in at least one
photo!
MRS. HARRIS
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you! You
thought of everything!
MR. HARRIS
Except the booze...
XANDER
Dad!
MR. HARRIS
Alright, alright, just kidding.
This stuff's...
Mr. Harris holds up his glass and squints at it before taking
another swig.
MR. HARRIS (cont'd)
Actually, this stuff isn't bad. If
I close my eyes and concentrate, I
can imagine the alcohol as kind of
an aftertaste.
XANDER
Okay, glad you approve.
Xander notices Buffy, Willow and Marie filing inside, and
detaches himself from his parents to jog over.
XANDER (cont'd)
Hey.
BUFFY
Hey! We're all set, Anya's in the
back room, ready for the signal.
XANDER
And the signal's just music, not an
explosion or anything, right?
BUFFY
Xander, will you quit worrying?
Everything's going to be fine!
Xander smiles back and turns to Clem, whispering something
into his ear. Clem nods, puts two fingers in his mouth and
WHISTLES sharply, getting the hall's attention.
CLEM
Alright, everyone, showtime! Head
inside and take your seats, this
afternoon's entertainment is about
to commence!
The crowd of relatives starts to shuffle obediently towards
the church hall proper, and Xander and the girls watch in
amazement.
WILLOW
How did you get them to do that?
CLEM
Simple, I promised 'em the bar'd
crack open some wine, some real
wine, if they all behaved
themselves. You'd be amazed at the
power of the suggestion, especially
at family get togethers!
BUFFY
Good work, Clem. Now I remember why
we asked you all the way out here.
CLEM
Eh, no big to see my favourite girl
get hitched!
(to Xander)
She is going to get married this
time, right?
XANDER
(nods)
Absolutely. Nothing's gonna stop us
this time.
Off Xander's determined look, we cut to:
22 INT. CHURCH - BACK ROOM. DAY. 22
Anya is pacing up and down, preparing her speech.
ANYA
And so I, Anya Jenkins, take you,
Xander Harris, to be my lawfully
wedded service provider, providing
me with service any time I need it,
day or night.
(beat)
No, that's stupid. Okay, I, Anya,
take you Xander, anytime I want, or
I'm leaving with the baby.
(beat; thinks)
Too harsh. What about-
GUSTAV (O.S.)
I knew I'd find you again.
ANYA
No, that's far too-
Anya freezes and slowly turns round - and there is GUSTAV,
stepping into the back room. He grins broadly and steps
closer to Anya, who steps back.
ANYA (cont'd)
Gustav? What are you doing here?
GUSTAV
At first, I just wanted to bring
you back to me, Anyanka. I'd
finally broken free of my realm to
come looking for you, after you ran
out on me all those years ago...
ANYA
It was six hundred years ago! You
still wanted to find me after all
that time?
GUSTAV
What can I say, you're one of a
kind, Anyanka.
ANYA
Well... I guess I'm flattered...
But that's not the point! I'm human
now, and pregnant, and about to get
married, so you'd better take a
hint and get out of here before I
set my Xander on you!
Gustav keeps advancing, backing Anya up against the wall.
Gustav looks down at Anya's swollen belly and snickers.
GUSTAV
There'll have to be a few changes,
of course - I can't say I'm
overjoyed at the prospect of you
raising a human baby, but it will
serve as an excellent first meal
for wedding night...
ANYA
Gustav, I think you need to go.
GUSTAV
I'm not going anywhere without you!
Do you think I crossed umpteen
dimensions just to claw my way into
your world, so you could tell me to
come home again?
ANYA
Well, actually... Yes.
GUSTAV
This world has poisoned your mind,
Anyanka. It's made you more...
human. I can't allow this blasphemy
against your true nature to
continue a moment longer!
Gustav raises a hand to grab Anya's wrist, but they both
freeze as the strains of the Wedding March start to play.
Anya grins smugly at Gustav.
ANYA
Too late, Gustav. That's the
signal. I'm as good as married now,
you'll have to go before Buffy
finds you.
GUSTAV
(grins)
Buffy... Summers? The Slayer?
Anya thinks fast as she realises she may just have given
Gustav a very bad idea. He grins again.
ANYA
Uh... No, Buffy... Jones. Yes, my
friend Buffy Jones. She's tough but
she's certainly not a Slayer.
GUSTAV
Your lying is as feeble as your
attempt to beautify yourself,
Anyanka. If the Slayer is here,
then I owe it to you to prove my
love by killing her!
When we feast on her heart
together, then you'll see what made
me come back for you.
ANYA
You were hungry?
GUSTAV
I love you!
ANYA
(beat; smiles)
Oh. Really?
(shakes head)
I mean - no! No! Bad Gustav!
Gustav grabs Anya, one arm round her waist and another round
her neck as he hisses into her ear.
GUSTAV
Now let's go meet the guests, shall
we?
As Gustav starts to drag Anya away, we cut to:
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.