buffy9x16
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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TEASER
FADE IN:
1 INT. HOSPITAL - CORRIDOR. DAY. 1
SLAM! The double doors leading into the corridor fly open,
revealing a gurney with a writhing, howling ANYA lying on it,
pushed along by a DOCTOR, two NURSES and a frantic-looking
XANDER.
ANYA
(through gritted teeth)
I can't have the baby yet! I was in
the middle of a conversation!
Xander!!
XANDER
I'm here, honey, I'm here!
ANYA
Xander, get Marie! It's important!
I have to finish talking to her
about-
Anya is cut off as another contraction hits her, and she
YELLS in pain, grabbing Xander's hand and squeezing it as
tight as she can.
Xander, too, then starts to YELL in pain, prising Anya's
fingernails out of his skin as the gurney turns a corner, out
of sight.
We stay looking at the doors as BUFFY, WILLOW, GILES, MARIE
and SOFIA hurry through, all in various stages of distress as
they try to keep up with Anya's entourage.
BUFFY
Is it normal to scream this much?
GILES
I'm afraid so...
MARIE
My sister howled the whole of New
Cross Hospital back home down for
nine bloody hours when she had her
daughter, I have a feeling Anya's
just getting started!
SOFIA
Is she gonna be okay?
WILLOW
Well, here's hoping...
SOFIA
I mean... Well, you know how she
wasn't human, then was, then
wasn't, then was, then was dead,
then a ghost, then came back...
(thinks)
Did I get that right? You told me
on the way over, but I might have
missed something...
WILLOW
(sighs)
No, that's about right.
SOFIA
Right. So, is all that good for the
baby? I mean, is this going to be
a... normal birth?
The others slow down for a beat - they'd never stopped to
consider this.
Another SCREAM from off camera hurries them all up again.
BUFFY
I guess we're just gonna have to
wait and see!
Buffy leads the others on down the corridor, before we carry
on into:
2 INT. HOSPITAL - DELIVERY ROOM. DAY. 2
Anya's gurney is wheeled into the middle of the spacious,
clinically white painted room, and Anya's eyes bulge as she
sees the metal stirrups waiting for her.
ANYA
What are those things?!? Xander,
this is no time for kinky sex
games, I'm having our baby now!
XANDER
No, Anya, those are for your
ankles!
ANYA
(shocked)
What?! Didn't you hear what I just
said?
The Doctor, a middle-aged, balding male with glasses, lays a
hand across Anya's brow, checking her temperature, before
talking to her in a calm voice.
DOCTOR
Mrs. Harris, please try to relax!
This is all perfectly normal, it's
all here to help get the baby out
as easily as possible.
ANYA
(off stirrups)
Yes, but with those? What am I
supposed to do, squeeze hard enough
and hope she just pops out of
there?
DOCTOR
That's not what-
ANYA
You can't fool me, I watched that
awful 'Ally McBeal' programme! She
had a dream about this, where she
was firing dozens of-
Another contraction keeps Anya busy, and Xander looks around
helplessly as the two nurses start gathering the various
tools needed for the job around them.
Xander looks down into Anya's eyes as she tries to keep her
breathing under control.
There's a long beat as the two stare at each other, before
Xander smiles - and Anya follows his lead.
XANDER
We're gonna be okay, Anya. I
promise.
Anya smiles back for another beat, before one of the nurses
starts to mop her brow, and Xander takes a step back to give
them room.
We pull away from Xander as he watches, and over to the swing
doors leading into the delivery room.
Standing there is a tall MAN, thin and wiry, his eyes fixed
on Anya.
After a moment, another nurse heads down the corridor and
into the room - and passes straight through the Man at the
door! His image flickers for a moment, then collects itself
back together.
The nurse didn't see a thing.
We push in closer on the Man, his features wrapped in shadow,
as he speaks in a low, deep murmur.
MAN
It is time for the offering.
And from that, we:
BLACK OUT:
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
3 INT. HOSPITAL - DELIVERY ROOM. DAY. 3
Back with Xander and Anya, as she sits up in the bed, her
hands pressed against her belly, trying to keep her breathing
regular despite the obvious pain she's now in.
XANDER
You're doing great, An, just great!
Remember, keep up the breathing,
just like we-
ANYA
(snaps)
Will you please be quiet!
Xander blinks, and glances at one of the nurses, a matronly
black woman, who tries to suppress a grin as she takes Anya's
hand.
NURSE
It's alright, sweetheart. Listen to
your man, you're doing just fine.
ANYA
Then why does it feel like my bones
are cracking open and something the
size of a football is squeezing
through them?
The doctor, facemask now over his mouth and bandana covering
his hair, pulls a chair up as he settles down at the end of
the bed, snapping his latex gloves on.
DOCTOR
Because that's exactly what is
happening, Mrs. Harris. Your pelvis
is expanding to allow the baby
through.
Anya stares in disbelief at the doctor.
ANYA
Xander, that man's dressed like a
bandit! They're letting bandits in
here now? What's next? Is a cowboy
going to take my temperature?
XANDER
He's the doctor, Anya, he's here to
help!
ANYA
Well, he looks ridiculous. I can
see why so many women are scared of
pregnancy if this is what's waiting
for them when they-
Anya grimaces and shudders as another contraction hits her.
The doctor calls over to the second nurse, a thin, young
Aisan woman.
DOCTOR
The contractions are pretty close
together now, we won't have to wait
long.
ANYA
(frantic)
Before what?
DOCTOR
Before the baby decides to make his
or her appearance!
ANYA
It's a 'her,' actually.
DOCTOR
Oh, you had an ultrasound to find
out?
ANYA
No, I just know these things. You
see, when I was a venge-
Xander clamps a hand over her mouth to shut her up, laughing
at the Doctor as though nothing's wrong.
XANDER
Uh, veterinarian! She was going to
say 'veterinarian.' She, uh, became
very good at, er, guessing the sex
of new... puppies, ah, before they
were born, and...
Xander trails off as he looks at Anya, her eyes glaring
bloody murder back up at him.
XANDER (cont'd)
Hey, you know what? I think I'm
gonna go get some water.
(to Anya)
You want some water, honey?
He carefully takes his hand away, leaning closer to whisper
into her ear.
XANDER (cont'd)
Anya, remember, we're around normal
people now! Ixnay on the emonday!
ANYA
(confused)
But it's Tuesday, not Monday,
Xander...
Xander raises an eyebrow, and she gets it.
ANYA (cont'd)
(loudly)
Right! Got it. No telling them I
used to be a demon.
Xander freezes. He looks up at the doctor and nurses, but
only the black nurse is listening.
NURSE
(smiles)
Didn't we all, honey, didn't we
all!
Xander breathes a sigh of relief and darts back outside the
delivery room. He passes the shadowy Man standing by the
doors, but, of course, doesn't see him.
4 INT. HOSPITAL - CORRIDOR. DAY. 4
In the corridor just beyond the delivery room, Xander steps
out, clearly already at the edge of his nerves, to be greeted
by the others. Willow is the first here, wrapping her arms
round him.
WILLOW
How's she doing?
XANDER
Fine. So far. I think. Does anybody
here know anything about babies,
and the whole giving birth deal?
He looks round hopefully - but nothing but blank looks. Sofia
raises a hand, and Xander grins at her.
SOFIA
Well, its not exactly 'experience,'
but when I was very little I
briefly had a baby sister, but she
died before she was one, so...
There's a silence. Perhaps that wasn't the best thing to have
brought up.
Sofia blushes as she realises her error, and tries to quickly
recover.
SOFIA (cont'd)
What I mean is, I was there when
she was born, so I can just about
remember how it all went.
XANDER
And? Can I get some rough figures
on hours spent screaming, potential
amounts of blood and other bodily
fluids, and a general time until
this is all over?
Sofia bites her lip - she doesn't remember things in that
much detail!
Marie picks up on Sofia's hesitation and speaks up.
MARIE
Xander, from what I remember of my
sister's experience, it can be
anything between a few hours and a
few days. You've just got to be
patient.
XANDER
(flustered)
Patient?
ANYA (O.S.)
(yells)
Xander!!!
XANDER
Something tells me that's really
not going to be factor here! Uh, I
gotta go.
Xander turns and barges back into the delivery room, tripping
on something off camera and crashing to the ground. Buffy
rubs her eyes as the group settle down again.
WILLOW
(proudly)
Wow. Xander's going to be a dad.
BUFFY
I know, who'd have put money on
that when we all met nine years
ago?
GILES
I'm sure Xander will be a fine
father. He's loyal, dedicated, and
very...
BUFFY
Good with his hands?
GILES
I was going to say 'resilient,' but
I'm sure sustaining a relationship
with Anya requires both
qualities...
There's a shared laugh - a moment of relief.
Sofia glances around, still trying to get her bearings with
everyone, when she spots the looks Marie keeps throwing to
Giles.
Sofia raises an eyebrow - Giles is oblivious, but Marie is
clearly looking at him like she wants to say something, but
can't find the words.
Sofia opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted as Buffy
takes a seat beside her.
BUFFY
Hey. Look, I know this is kinda
crazy, you just getting here then
all this happening, but don't
worry, it isn't always like this.
SOFIA
Really? I'd heard that it usually
was, one way or another.
BUFFY
(blinks)
You did? From who?
Willow COUGHS once, trying to look innocent, and Buffy
manages a chuckle.
BUFFY (cont'd)
Okay, in terms of general
craziness, then yeah, but this is
actually our first baby, believe it
or not, so hopefully everything's
going to go according to-
MAX (O.S.)
There you all are!
MAX strides over, and Giles' face drops as the disgraced
Watcher walks over.
Marie looks from Max to Giles and back, finally understanding
the meaning of the phrase 'between a rock and a hard place.'
MAX (cont'd)
I got the message Marie left on the
answer phone at your place, Rupert,
and I got over here as soon as I
could.
GILES
(coldly)
You're supposed to be under house
arrest, Max, not waltzing out
whenever you feel like it! And
besides, I hardly think this matter
is any concern of yours!
MAX
Don't be like that, Giles, I wanted
to be here for when the baby
arrives!
Giles glares at Max, but he just grins back and looks at
Marie, stepping towards her.
MAX (cont'd)
Oh, and, sorry I had to dash out on
you last night, I had an important
contact call me up and I had to
meet up with him.
Marie looks up at Giles, knowing that Max has just let the
cat out of the bag again, and Giles' face says it all.
GILES
(cold)
So tell me, Marie, are you making a
habit of... 'entertaining' Max
outside of standard working hours
now?
Marie looks horrified, rapidly trying to think of an excuse.
MARIE
(stutters)
I- I mean, we- there wasn't- i
don't mean to-
GILES
(interrupts)
It's quite alright. Don't worry
yourself on my account.
Giles steps away from her, heading back towards the main
waiting room. He turns just as he leaves the corridor.
GILES (cont'd)
At least if Max is always with you,
I know where he is.
Giles departs. The others try not to look at Marie as she
turns a deep shade of crimson, while Max just lets an
impertinent sneer flash across his face for an instant.
Sofia breaks the silence, looking from one face to the next
for a few moments before speaking.
SOFIA
Alright, I know that I'm new around
here, but... What was that all
about?
Buffy gets up, throws a cold look at Max and heads after
Giles without another word.
As Marie looks like she wants the ground to swallow her up,
we cut back into:
5 INT. HOSPITAL - DELIVERY ROOM. DAY. 5
Anya is still sat up in the bed, holding her belly and
breathing, as Xander gulps from a bottle of water, looking
like he's sweating as much as she is.
The Doctor taps a hypodermic syringe, squirting a little
fluid out of it before stepping towards Anya.
She glares at him, her eyes suddenly filled with anger.
ANYA
(suspicious)
What's that?
DOCTOR
It's just a little sedative, Mrs.
Harris, it'll help relax you.
ANYA
Forget it!
DOCTOR
But without it, you could-
ANYA
I've got no time for sedatives!
XANDER
(frantic)
There's always time for sedatives!
Anya looks at Xander, who nods. Anya pouts.
ANYA
No, I don't want any. I don't want
to black out when this is
happening. I've read what you
people do, you wait until the
baby's out and then you sell it to
the cult members waiting outside!
XANDER
Anya, there are no-
ANYA
Don't interrupt me, Xander! I'm
having our baby here, the least you
could do is agree with me when I
say things!
XANDER
(holds up hands)
Okay, fine. If you pass out, I
promise to defend our baby from any
cult members. Deal?
Anya considers this, then gives the doctor a brief nod.
ANYA
Alright. Do it. But if I wake up
and the baby's gone, they'll have
to invent new words for the
punishments I inflict upon you. Is
that clear?
The look in Anya's eyes makes the doctor GULP nervously,
despite Xander doing his best to laugh the moment away.
XANDER
Boy, she sure says the darndest
things, huh?
Xander takes her hand and pats it, throwing her another
warning look when the doctor looks away to get the syringe
ready.
The doctor carefully injects Anya with the sedative, then
nods to the Asian nurse, who brings the stirrups round into
place.
DOCTOR
Alright then, Anya, it's time to
take things up a notch.
ANYA
Up a notch? How many more notches
are there? I'm at the top notch
already!
DOCTOR
It's alright, we just need to keep
making things as easy as possible
for the baby to make her way out
here, and for that, we need these
little things.
The doctor taps the stirrups, which CLANG loudly as the
nurses start to help Anya lie back, getting her legs ready to
go up into them.
Anya realises that this means she'll be displaying what's
beneath her hospital gown to the room, and she frantically
grabs hold of Xander.
XANDER
Ow! Anya, what is it?
ANYA
(whispers)
They're going to expose me!
XANDER
What?
(catches up)
Oh, no, they just need to-
ANYA
(hisses)
Xander! Back me up, that's why I
married you!
XANDER
(patiently)
You can't have the baby sitting up
like that, sweetheart, we need to
get you a bit more...
(searches for right word)
... elevated.
ANYA
But...
Anya pulls Xander closer so she can whisper into his ear.
ANYA (cont'd)
They'll see my private areas!
XANDER
Uh, yeah, but there's not really
anything we can do about that!
ANYA
Aren't you going to defend me?
XANDER
From what?
ANYA
From this other man!
DOCTOR
Alright, we're about ready when you
are, Mrs. Harris.
Xander glances up at the doctor, then back down at Anya, who
looks up at him with pleading eyes.
XANDER
(to doctor)
Uh... Just give us a moment.
The doctor glances at the black nurse, who just shrugs.
ANYA
Xander, I just don't feel right
exposing my private woman's place
to this strange man, and neither
should you!
XANDER
(reassuring)
I'm sure he's seen it all before,
Anya.
ANYA
(shocked)
What?!? You mean he's been spying
on us? I knew I didn't like the
look of him - his eyes are too
shifty. Like a pirate. A very clean
pirate.
XANDER
(patiently)
No, I just mean that he does this
every day, and-
ANYA
He exposes women while their
husbands are still in the room?!?
XANDER
(beat)
Yes.
ANYA
(beat)
Oh. Well, I suppose that's alright,
then.
DOCTOR
Um, sorry to disturb you both...
Xander and Anya look up at the doctor.
DOCTOR (cont'd)
... but this little girl's on her
way out, like it or not, so we
can't really hang about much
longer!
Xander looks down at Anya, who smiles hopefully back.
ANYA
Alright then. Let's get this
started.
The doctor nods to the nurses, who carefully raises Anya's
legs into the stirrups. Anya fixes the doctor with a stare.
ANYA (cont'd)
But if I catch you looking around
down there for a second longer than
you have to, then I'll make sure my
husband kills you.
(beat)
Slowly.
The doctor blinks and glances at Xander, who tries to think
of something distracting to say.
XANDER
Uh... Is there any chance we could
get a little more of that sedative
over here for her?
The doctor manages a grin as he looks down, and Anya grips
Xander's hand tightly.
Neither of them see the shadowy Man watching over them as he
steps into the room, passing through the delivery room door
as if it wasn't there.
He steps over to Anya and reaches a hand out for her.
As his hand closes, Anya blinks, sensing something - but
before she can react, then Man lays his hand on her forehead,
and with a GASP from Anya, we:
BLACK OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
6 INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM. DAY. 6
Giles stands by one of the windows overlooking the ambulance
bay, his glasses in one hand. Around him, various patients
chat to one another, some coughing and wheezing. Buffy weaves
through them all to make her way over to him, standing behind
him for a few beats before he turns round.
GILES
Buffy, there's no need for you to
follow me. You should be back there
with the others, in case Xander
needs you.
BUFFY
Yeah, I could see that happening,
what with me wanting to break Max's
neck and all.
Buffy glances to her left - one of the patients is staring up
at her with a shocked expression.
BUFFY (cont'd)
(quickly)
Figure of speech.
She steps closer to Giles so they can talk privately.
BUFFY (cont'd)
Giles, what's going on? You've not
said anything to me about it, but
it doesn't take a subscription to
Cosmopolitan to work out
something's changed around here.
Giles goes back to staring through the window, and Buffy
makes an irritated sigh.
BUFFY (cont'd)
Right. Silent treatment. Good.
Because that doesn't make you seem
like an annoying teenager at all.
GILES
(weary)
Buffy, I'd really rather be-
BUFFY
(interrupts)
Alone? When does that ever help?
Giles slowly turns to look at her, then he closes his eyes
and nods. She smiles.
BUFFY (cont'd)
That's better. Now, start talking.
The way I figure it, we've still
got another hour or two yet before
Anya hits Def Con One in there, so
don't skip anything. Start with why
you and Marie weren't dating when
you got back to Cleveland a few
months ago, because we sure all
noticed that part already.
Giles scratches the back of his head, then manages a bitter
chuckle.
BUFFY (cont'd)
What's so funny?
GILES
I'm just appreciating the irony of
the moment. You wanting me to tell
you my sob story. Quite a role
reversal, don't you think?
BUFFY
(shrugs)
It happens. Start talking.
Giles smiles at her, as we cut to:
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.